Trying Times

It has been approximately 2 weeks since I have blogged. I suck. I know. I have been so unbelievably depressed it is unreal! About 3 years ago I was diagnosed bipolar. The age of 36. Never was really aware of a problem- I thought everybody felt this way.  I thought it was normal. Doesn't everybody have a melt down before they leave the house? Doesn't everybody sweat like a banshee while talking to someone? Don't you feel like you will melt into a pathetic little pile while in the midst of a conversation? Why? Why me? Why could I not have a problem that was easier cured? Why was there not a 12 step meeting for me?  I have been on approximately 6 different meds in the past year.  Some made me feel psychotic, some briefly helped and some did not do crap! Right now I would describe myself as functioning robot girl. I am neither excited, happy or sad. I move through the day doing my functions. Get up. get girls ready for school. Take Willow to school. Pick Willow up from school. Do laundry. Put away laundry. Make dinner. Do bathtime. Go to bed for kids. Go to bed for me. There is no joy within my day. I do not want to even exist. Every single move is soo difficult  that it is difficult for me to exist. I just want to disappear.
The only thing that keeps me going is Hope. I have felt better so I know it exists! My husband and children love me no matter what and I just know it will get better.
I really don't want to bring people down with this, but perhaps relate to those who are going through this right now. Now matter how much things seem to suck- you must always have faith. You are where you are supposed to be at all times.
XOXO- Kelly