Guinea Pig Time Again

I am so freaking tired of being a guinea pig. Time after time I go to my Dr., still feeling like crappola.  I can't really blame them because they don't know shit either!
 If one med doesn't work, well, try this one. I just know that the day before, the pharmaceutical company stopped by and said- hey try this new product! Hence, me taking the position of guinea pig! I just pray that my hormone test says that mine are off, because if they are not, that means I have to keep going through these pharmaceutical hoops. It is so difficult and tasking. People that don't understand say- just move past it, do some exercise, think positive- you will feel better. They don't understand that this is not a situational depression- that I would welcome with open arms! This is a chemical depression that is here! My life is awesome! This is the best I have ever had it! However, I can not appreciate it because the chemicals in my brain are fucked up!
Must leave this rant and pray for a better tomorrow!

God Bless-

Faith Without Works is Dead

My last blog post proved to be pretty freaking depressing! Not really my intent, but I thought if I am to be real and authentic I should document everything- not just sunshine, rainbows and lollipops. Several times I considered taking that post down. It was too sensitive, too revealing, too scary. Then I decided to leave it up, at the least somebody may read it and realize they are not alone- not the only one who goes through these trying times. I know that when I have read some heartfelt posts they made me feel good- not alone.
I entitled this blog "Faith without Works is Dead", because I am a firm believer that faith is nothing without hard work. I have faith that I will feel better but it will take some work on my part. I just went to have my hormones tested to see where I am on those levels. I would really like to get off all the antidepressants and deal with these issues naturally if possible. The thing that sucks- all of this takes time. In the meantime where does that leave me?- feeling like shit! I thank the Universe everyday that I have wonderful family and friends that support me throughout this crappola! Courtney had been absolutely amazing and supportive- Debbie gives me a kick in the ass to do at least one creative thing a day and my husband is the cat's freaking meow! Even my girls can tell when I need a good laugh and are quite awesome at supplying that! I even have some amazing online inspirations, Pixie Polly, who gives me far away love when needed.

Until next time-

Trying Times

It has been approximately 2 weeks since I have blogged. I suck. I know. I have been so unbelievably depressed it is unreal! About 3 years ago I was diagnosed bipolar. The age of 36. Never was really aware of a problem- I thought everybody felt this way.  I thought it was normal. Doesn't everybody have a melt down before they leave the house? Doesn't everybody sweat like a banshee while talking to someone? Don't you feel like you will melt into a pathetic little pile while in the midst of a conversation? Why? Why me? Why could I not have a problem that was easier cured? Why was there not a 12 step meeting for me?  I have been on approximately 6 different meds in the past year.  Some made me feel psychotic, some briefly helped and some did not do crap! Right now I would describe myself as functioning robot girl. I am neither excited, happy or sad. I move through the day doing my functions. Get up. get girls ready for school. Take Willow to school. Pick Willow up from school. Do laundry. Put away laundry. Make dinner. Do bathtime. Go to bed for kids. Go to bed for me. There is no joy within my day. I do not want to even exist. Every single move is soo difficult  that it is difficult for me to exist. I just want to disappear.
The only thing that keeps me going is Hope. I have felt better so I know it exists! My husband and children love me no matter what and I just know it will get better.
I really don't want to bring people down with this, but perhaps relate to those who are going through this right now. Now matter how much things seem to suck- you must always have faith. You are where you are supposed to be at all times.
XOXO- Kelly

Depression Sucks Big Time!!!

It has been over a week since I have blogged. I  have been trying to consistently blog at least 2 days a week. Why haven't I you ask? Depression. Not a situational depression, like my life sucks or I have a shitty husband depression. The kind that comes from your chemicals in your brain being all wonky!  I have awesome children, a husband who supports all my dreams and aspirations, and we can pay the bills. But still... the funk. I just don't want to do anything. The activities that would normally bring me joy- I have no interest in. I have not made art in over a month and I am faking it with everything else. I see my Dr. on Friday, but I have just about lost faith in him too. This constant game of adjusting medications is getting to me... bad! Alas, I will not give up. That is not in my nature. I am a survivor!
Below is one reason I keep on keepin' on! My Daughter Willow!!!

ok, I just noticed... it looks like she is throwing up gang signs! WTH!! LOL!!
Until next time- don't let nothing get you down- let it strengthen you!

I Have Found and Embraced My Passion!

Some people are lucky enough to be born knowing what  their passion is in life, while others need to go searching. I have been a searcher, navigating my way through life desperate to find that "Thing" that makes me feel all warm inside. I never really knew that I liked to create and never really tried until I was in my late 20's. I moved to Florida when I was about 22 and fell into a job teaching children art. Funny way the Universe puts things in your path. I didn't really pay attention to that cue from the Universe. I went through several boyfriends who were very artistic, a painter, musician, a writer. In retrospect I think I sought them out because they had what I wanted- to create. Did I mention that throughout this entire time I was a raging alcoholic and drug addict? I was a functioning one, always held down a job and managed to pay my bills but was a hot mess!!! When I met my husband and became pregnant I got clean and sober. May of this year marked 4 years clean and sober. It was during this time that I did some real searching. I painted, made jewelry, made soap, candles- you name it! I loved all of them and still love all of them, but I kept coming back to making soap and mixed media.

This is my soap with a crystal energy core! I get to combine my love of crystals with making soap! AWESOME!  I use all Brambleberry scents because they totally rock and are super rich smelling! Each soap contains a clear quartz crystal in the center. Clear quartz is considered the mother of all stones containing the full spectrum of energies. I will once again be making these and selling them in my store. I am also making lots of mixed media with bright colors that make you just want to eat a rainbow!!!
I have found my passion and I am on fire baby!
Have you found your passion? How many twists and turns has your road taken?
Until next time-